ANGRY SCOTTISH GASBAG

I missed my calling in this life. I think Craig Ferguson walked away with it. It's very possible noone knows anything about me. I am secretive. I let out big whoppers sometimes, but more often then not folks have no idea what I just said. Because its usually some metaphore that describes an event or recollection that they were not a witness to. I speak what I need to and move on. If I finally had a good shIT, I'd say, "well, it was a T-dius job and it was gruelling, but I landed it perfectly." They look confused because I have sucessfully confused them. They think I have good work ethics when in fact, I'm just regular. So no one really sees me as a comic and that's fantastic. Because a comic should never come on like they are trying to make you laugh. It's so not funny. I got this joke, listen to this joke for ya...because Laughter is a very personal matter. Only you can find something funny. No, seriously, think about it. it's your mind that decides, hey, I think this is kinda funny...wait a minute...holy shit ...that's hilarious. Suddenly you are busting and you can't stop, even if you wanted to, it's like sex, once you've gone a certain distance, there is no turning back, your laughing... AAAAAAhhhhhhhhh, ah ha ha ha ahhhh hhahahhahahhhahahh.,.blah blahhhhhhhhh.....aaaaahfhhhhhhhhh. So, I am finding out in my later years that my body likes to trap things, like gas and wax....I know it's very gross and I wish I didn't have to talk about it. I know you don't want to talk about it or hear about it. But tough... That's what it's like. I'm standing there, riding the subway and damn, some silent bomb goes off and I move away like, "Damn Dude", blaming it on whoever's there. I'm like walking as fast as I can to get away from myself, but...you know...I'm a girl, I trip on my own ankles...(fall down), get hit with a wave of my own foul emmissions and hit the deck.